Local Neurosurgeon Says Slavery Not A Real Thing
‘Roots’ is pure fiction, apparently
WASHINGTON — After being sworn in as the head of the Housing and Urban Development, Dr. Ben Carson dropped the bomb that slavery was just a trick. Like bigfoot, a free lunch, and UFOs, there’s no such thing and it was high time he put the rumors to bed. Dr. Carson would like you to know the “slaves” were really just immigrants, thank you very much.
“There were other immigrants who came here in the bottom of slave ships, worked even longer, even harder for less. But they too had a dream that one day their sons, daughters, grandsons, granddaughters, great-grandsons, great-granddaughters, might pursue prosperity and happiness in this land,” said Carson.
All those history books, those made for TV movies, those delightful negro spirituals, and even the apparently now mythical tale of Harriet Tubman were all wrong. Black people brought here were not slaves — even though they were on slave ships — but actually immigrants with champagne wishes and caviar dreams. They were determined to make a better lives for themselves after escaping the crummy conditions in Africa where they were kings, queens, and had way too much responsibility on their hands.
No “immigrants” could be reached for comment as most of them died under laborious conditions such as malnutrition, rape, beatings, literal backbreaking labor that didn’t pay a dime, or just terrible living conditions. Somehow, their dreams of future prosperity just weren’t enough to keep hope — or them — alive.
But we did find a local black man.
“Thanks to Dr. Carson, I’m so woke, my new nickname is all day breakfast,” said local black man. “For years, I thought slavery was an actual part of our history and real. But to find out it’s faker than silicone is going to do wonders for me and my family. This whole slavery thing was a real problem in our community but to find out we were really just immigrants? I feel like we can do the damn thing now!”
Some black people were seen taking their names off petitions for repirations, some even asking what in the hell would they do with a mule in 2017 anyway. Others decided to dust off their copies of Gifted Hands and take to the streets in celebration, as this renowned neurosurgeon has finally set the record straight after centuries of falsehoods and misunderstandings. No word yet on whether a statute will be erected in his name.
Dr. Carson’s comments follow Education Secretary Betsy DeVos’ recent statement regarding the creation of Historically Black Colleges and Universities being related to “lack of choice.” The Trump Administration is making waves all over, explaining how our entire American history up to this point has been factually wrong. We now know slaves were immigrants and these immigrants created their own colleges because they didn’t like the educational choices Harvard, Yale, or Princeton had to offer. Nor did they offer sufficient meal plans. And as anyone who’s been to college knows, that meal plan is a dealbreaker.
Black people around the country can’t wait for the next revelation on Black History the predominantly white Trump Administration has to offer.
Marcus Benjamin is a danger to the public, an alum of American University, St. John’s University, a screenwriter, and has an intense relationship with words. Witness his tomfoolery on Twitter,@AbstractPo3tic.
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